The below story is of a very personal nature - so much so that I originally wasn't planning on sharing it with the general public. In the past few days, though, I've felt that I needed to share this story. Whether I'm doing this in the hopes that it will help others or for the selfish reason of giving myself closure, I'm still not sure. Don’t feel like you have to read it and don’t feel like you have to comment. Above all, I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm simply sharing something that is a part of who I am today.

As I sit listening to Christmas music, all referring to the small child that was born of Mary, I can't help but contemplate this month with a little extra weight in my heart. We celebrate the birth of this wonderful little baby on the 25th, five days before I was supposed to be celebrating the birth of my own wonderful little baby.

July 2010, Braedon and I were saying our nightly prayer together before bed. At this point in our life, we both had temporary jobs for the summer and were searching for more permanent work with no luck. As Braedon prayed to our Heavenly Father to help us find more permanent employment to help support us, he asked that we be given an opportunity to get better jobs to save up for a family one day. He stopped speaking and we sat in silence for several minutes before Braedon continued aloud and finished the prayer. When he had ended and we said our ‘amen’, we looked into the other’s eyes; I think it was then that we both knew. Braedon turned to me: "Do you know what went through my head when I went silent?"
"Yes. I clearly heard in my head ‘Have a family and I'll give you the jobs to support one.”  Braedon nodded and confirmed that he too felt the same thing. 

After more prayer and discussion, we decided to trust in this experience and our Father in Heaven's promise, even if we had planned on kids entering our relationship later in the future. Within a short amount of time after we made our decision, I was offered a full-time job at the company I am still at; Braedon also found a permanent position with his current company. 

It took longer than either of us expected, but in April, the test showed two lines, no longer one. We were so happy and excited! We both felt mentally prepared (as much as anyone can, of course) and that this was the time to start growing our family. It felt right.

We started house hunting. We told family. We celebrated. We researched and made my first appointment. May 9, 2011, I went in - I was 8 weeks pregnant. During the first ultrasound my doctor told me I was measuring small for 8 weeks; I looked more like I was at 6 weeks. This worried him and he decided to get some blood drawn for tests. I brushed it off with my usual hopeful and positive thinking, figuring I was just going to have a small baby, or perhaps had conceived at a later date than previously thought. After more blood draws and waiting a few days, I got a phone call from the doctor on May 12th, the day before our 1st wedding anniversary – my levels had gone down.

The pregnancy was not viable. 

I would miscarry.

I have never been more heartbroken in my life. Braedon and I both left work early. I will never forget that day; I will never forget the sorrow, the confusion, the anguish, Braedon's strong protecting arms. We cried. We prayed. We talked and we cried some more. We then went back to the hospital where they wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to be 100% positive. It was silly, but a small part of me still held out hope that the doctor was wrong; he wasn't. 

After the ultrasound, we spoke with the nurse who informed us there was nothing in the sack; it was empty. She went on to explain that for a lot of women's first pregnancy, the embryo will die earlier on but the body will still continue to think it's pregnant. For some reason this news brought me peace, knowing that at this point there was nothing there helped me deal with the news. I was still heartbroken, but I felt better that knowing the timing was not right for us or for our little baby. 

After the hospital visit, we went up to my parents’ house. My parents will always be my comforters, and their house always a place of peace. Being with Braedon and my parents brought that measure of healing my heart needed. I love my parents so much and can never thank them enough for their friendship, love, and support. They have always been there for me in hard times and this was no exception.

The next few weeks were rough; I would get frustrated that I still felt pregnant (moody, hungry, sleepy, etc) but knew that I really wasn't. Finally, I fully miscarried at the beginning of June. It was a painful and scary experience, but I was comforted when Braedon and his Grandpa gave me a priesthood blessing. 

It's been a roller-coaster of a journey as my body has since recuperated and gotten back on track with my normal cycles. After the miscarriage, Braedon and I were not in a place to start trying again; instead, we focused on the new house we bought and it's renovations. It took us some time, but we finally got to a place where we felt we could pick back up on trying again. 

It's been a few months now and it's hard to not feel frustrated, upset, or sad as each month we are disappointed again. It's hard to understand why we were given such a clear instruction to start trying to build our family, yet nothing is coming of those efforts. Even though we've been through this cycle a few times, we still hope that the next month will be our month. I sometimes think maybe this is why we were prompted to start trying so early - maybe it will take us quite a while to have our first child. I will always hope and have faith.

While I feel that I've mostly healed (physically and emotionally) from this experience, there are still days when it all catches up to me. Some days I wonder what it would be like, days where I still get a flash of confusion, anger, or sorrow. Days like today, when I think that I could be holding that child that's so patiently waiting to come to us or when I think what greater Christmas gift there could be than to know for a surety that in 9 months or less I can hold that child and start my calling as a mother. Days where I want people to know the pain I'm in and what I've gone through. Days of jealously as I see others achieve what I've been trying to do for so long. Days where I want those, who have those blessings I've been trying so hard to obtain, to know what they have and how lucky they are.

But I know that it's not just about my or Braedon's timeline; it's not even just about my babies timeline - it's about God's. I choose to continue to trust and follow that prompting we felt over a year and a half ago.

In the mean time, I continue to focus on the blessings of what I have now, blessings I might not have had if we had been on the expected timeline. I am grateful for the relationship I've been able to build and keep building with my wonderful family, especially with my new nieces and nephew. I feel that I’ve come even closer to them over the past year. I'm grateful for others’ experiences that I've heard and learned from. I'm grateful for my physical strength, that I was able to help Braedon renovate our new home. I'm grateful for the perspective this trial has given me and  hope that I will always remember so that when I do have kids, I will never for a second doubt what a blessing they are. I'm grateful for how close Braedon and I have become as we struggled through this together. My love grows for him more and more each day.

I'm also grateful for the relationship I’ve built up with my Heavenly Father as a result, as I've cried and prayed to Him. I know He knows me. I know He knows my struggles and I know there is a reason we are going through this. I know He knows what’s best for me and my family. 

And I know that I will be a mother one day.

Until that day, I am enjoying what I have now - which includes a wonderful Christmas full of loving family and friends, I can't wait. :)


Robin said...

Oh, Katie. I love you so much. Thanks for sharing this. I think it's important to share these stories, as heart-breaking and hard as they can sometimes be. There are so many struggling with this same thing these days, and I think this will help a lot of people.

I've always appreciated and admired your faith and optimism. Your happiness is such a ray of sunshine (as cheesy as that sounds, it's true.) I know that when the time is right you will be the best mom in the world. (Too bad my kids will have to realize my own lameness when they see how cool of a mom you are).

Big hugs and much love your way, "little" sis. :)

Chels said...

Katie, my heart broke as I read this post. I am SO sorry! I may not know the emotional/physical pain that accompanies a miscarriage - but I know what a heart breaking, frustrating journey trying to get pregnant can be.

You have always been strong and optimistic - I've always admired that about you. You'll make a wonderful mother some day. We'll keep you guys in our prayers.

Karissa said...

I'm so glad you wrote this. Every single word of this is pretty much exactly how I feel. We felt SO good about trying to have kids when we did too. Honestly, I think that what has helped me the most through my similar situation is sharing it with people. It's not that I need sympathy, just support. There have been so many days when I just want sit and tell people what I'm feeling, but I usually don't because people are often so weird about it. I've often thought about posting about my experience because I honestly think it helps a lot of people- people you'd never even guess where struggling with this kind of thing. You really are so amazing and just love your positive attitude. I'm sure praying that you'll have a little one very soon. You really are going to be an amazing mom!

Kara and Chant said...

Katie, you are such an amazing person. I think about you alot and how positive you are. I am so sorry for your pain! Reading this, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Once again through your trial you are an example to me. Thank you for reminding me that even though things are hard Heavenly Father does have our best interest at heart and He is aware. I am so grateful to know you!

Allison Lefler said...

Thank you for sharing this. It's what I needed to read this morning.

Grace said...

Katie, I am glad you wrote this. I think it helps. you're not looking for sympathy, like you said, but just to express your thoughts and emotions can help you to overcome something like this. I have been through this too, around the same time. I didn't know you were going through the same thing. I am so sorry that you and Braedon didn't get your baby this year, but like you said, you will be a mom one day, and I know you will be fabulous at it!! Keep your head up and stay smiling like you always are, everything will fall into place as it should :)

yatesfam said...


I am Glad you shared this. First off I am so sorry, I had no idea! It's a frustrating yet faith building time when trying to start your family. But you have the right attitude.... Not that that changes the fact that you will have good and bad days. It's so true that everything is on the lords time table and not ours. Prayers go out to your guys. I know when the time is right you and Braedon will make great parents. Thanks again for sharing this.... It made me cry a few times.

Melissa Dawn said...


Ironically, something Billy said triggered an unexpected response from me today... a response I thought I was long past, particularly with Noah in our home. I looked at him and said "Strangely, that makes me feel sad." He told me I should go read your blog. Everything you said resonated with me, and how I'd felt (and apparently can still feel, though its much less so now).

I have no doubt that you'll have your own sweet baby when the time is right. Heavenly Father knows us so well... I appreciate your strength and testimony in this. I only know to some degree what you are feeling. I hope you know that I'm here to listen no matter how long its been. I love you so much!