It Feel's Like Christmas Time!.

Wow, I cannot believe the amount of love and support I've felt from so many! Thank you all for your encouragement, stories, advice, comments, and support. It means more then you know! I already feel so much more peace and closure, which just affirms to me that telling my story was the right thing to do.


I feel that I can't leave a notashappyasmostofmyposts post stand for too long, especially since this is the last work week till Christmas! So let's do an update of the more recent goings on. :)

- Family Parties. We have had a TON of these! I love it. It's always nice to get together and catch up with family that you have not see regularly. Plus I also love the white elephant games (yes I know some don't but I think it's fun) and my family also plays a sort of Christmas version of Maffia (nothing like killing each other to celebrate Christmas!). It's a lot of fun!

- Eclipse Concert. I spoke about this last year, and of course we went again this year! This concert seriously is one of the things that finally makes me go "oh... Christmas is soon!". It's so fun to go out with Braedon and see these guys have so much fun on stage. Sadly they are getting a little older, aka: voices can't go quite as high, but I still love to hear them sing. I'll be really sad when the day comes and they decide to not do the concert anymore.

- Braedons Sibling Actives. Braedon has some very talented siblings - I swear they are always involved in something or another. The past bit we've gone to a lot of different stuff for these wonderfully talented in-laws of mine. We've gone to piano recitals, singing performances, diving meets, cheer competition, and basketball games! I love seeing these three do what they love to do - it helps that they are all extremely good at what they do too!

- Photoshoots. We've had some fun doing different photoshoots lately. Of course I've been sucking it up on actually updating our photography blog but hopefully after the holiday's I'll get back on track and get some new photos up there. Some of the shoots we've had have been some engagements and bridals! Tomorrow we are actually doing a wedding for the same couple and I'm super excited (and probably a little nervous).

- Annual Beard Party. Let's just say I again won the hairy legs contest. Three years running! I'm thinking I may not compete next year... I'm not sure if it's really worth it. Either way, it was fun to get together with friends, eat some chili, and compare body hair. ;)

- The Car. Our Subaru is finally all fixed! It actually was a very easy and stress free process. It's nice to have a door that doesn't squawk anytime you open it. I'm sure my neighbors agree.

- Babysitting! Braedon and I have had the opportunity to watch first little Noah, then the next week we got to watch Ari! I seriously love my nieces and nephews so much! It's awesome to be able to help out when in reality all I feel like I'm doing is playing! Win, win! Now Braedon and I just have to convince my other sister to let us watch C for them one of these days. :)

- Temple. This past Saturday we actually got to attend our friends sealing. It was such an amazing event and I feel so honored to see these two wonderful people get sealed and then be sealed to their adorable brand new baby! What an amazing thing to experience, especially so close to Christmas!

- Relaxing. When we don't have something to go to it's be wonderful to just sit and relax with my best friend. I love Braedon so much and never want to go a day with out seeing him. :)

All in all it's been a wonderful month! I am continually reminded of how lucky I am and how much I love life!

I can't wait for this weekend!

Merry Christmas, Internets! :)



The below story is of a very personal nature - so much so that I originally wasn't planning on sharing it with the general public. In the past few days, though, I've felt that I needed to share this story. Whether I'm doing this in the hopes that it will help others or for the selfish reason of giving myself closure, I'm still not sure. Don’t feel like you have to read it and don’t feel like you have to comment. Above all, I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm simply sharing something that is a part of who I am today.

As I sit listening to Christmas music, all referring to the small child that was born of Mary, I can't help but contemplate this month with a little extra weight in my heart. We celebrate the birth of this wonderful little baby on the 25th, five days before I was supposed to be celebrating the birth of my own wonderful little baby.

July 2010, Braedon and I were saying our nightly prayer together before bed. At this point in our life, we both had temporary jobs for the summer and were searching for more permanent work with no luck. As Braedon prayed to our Heavenly Father to help us find more permanent employment to help support us, he asked that we be given an opportunity to get better jobs to save up for a family one day. He stopped speaking and we sat in silence for several minutes before Braedon continued aloud and finished the prayer. When he had ended and we said our ‘amen’, we looked into the other’s eyes; I think it was then that we both knew. Braedon turned to me: "Do you know what went through my head when I went silent?"
"Yes. I clearly heard in my head ‘Have a family and I'll give you the jobs to support one.”  Braedon nodded and confirmed that he too felt the same thing. 

After more prayer and discussion, we decided to trust in this experience and our Father in Heaven's promise, even if we had planned on kids entering our relationship later in the future. Within a short amount of time after we made our decision, I was offered a full-time job at the company I am still at; Braedon also found a permanent position with his current company. 

It took longer than either of us expected, but in April, the test showed two lines, no longer one. We were so happy and excited! We both felt mentally prepared (as much as anyone can, of course) and that this was the time to start growing our family. It felt right.

We started house hunting. We told family. We celebrated. We researched and made my first appointment. May 9, 2011, I went in - I was 8 weeks pregnant. During the first ultrasound my doctor told me I was measuring small for 8 weeks; I looked more like I was at 6 weeks. This worried him and he decided to get some blood drawn for tests. I brushed it off with my usual hopeful and positive thinking, figuring I was just going to have a small baby, or perhaps had conceived at a later date than previously thought. After more blood draws and waiting a few days, I got a phone call from the doctor on May 12th, the day before our 1st wedding anniversary – my levels had gone down.

The pregnancy was not viable. 

I would miscarry.

I have never been more heartbroken in my life. Braedon and I both left work early. I will never forget that day; I will never forget the sorrow, the confusion, the anguish, Braedon's strong protecting arms. We cried. We prayed. We talked and we cried some more. We then went back to the hospital where they wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to be 100% positive. It was silly, but a small part of me still held out hope that the doctor was wrong; he wasn't. 

After the ultrasound, we spoke with the nurse who informed us there was nothing in the sack; it was empty. She went on to explain that for a lot of women's first pregnancy, the embryo will die earlier on but the body will still continue to think it's pregnant. For some reason this news brought me peace, knowing that at this point there was nothing there helped me deal with the news. I was still heartbroken, but I felt better that knowing the timing was not right for us or for our little baby. 

After the hospital visit, we went up to my parents’ house. My parents will always be my comforters, and their house always a place of peace. Being with Braedon and my parents brought that measure of healing my heart needed. I love my parents so much and can never thank them enough for their friendship, love, and support. They have always been there for me in hard times and this was no exception.

The next few weeks were rough; I would get frustrated that I still felt pregnant (moody, hungry, sleepy, etc) but knew that I really wasn't. Finally, I fully miscarried at the beginning of June. It was a painful and scary experience, but I was comforted when Braedon and his Grandpa gave me a priesthood blessing. 

It's been a roller-coaster of a journey as my body has since recuperated and gotten back on track with my normal cycles. After the miscarriage, Braedon and I were not in a place to start trying again; instead, we focused on the new house we bought and it's renovations. It took us some time, but we finally got to a place where we felt we could pick back up on trying again. 

It's been a few months now and it's hard to not feel frustrated, upset, or sad as each month we are disappointed again. It's hard to understand why we were given such a clear instruction to start trying to build our family, yet nothing is coming of those efforts. Even though we've been through this cycle a few times, we still hope that the next month will be our month. I sometimes think maybe this is why we were prompted to start trying so early - maybe it will take us quite a while to have our first child. I will always hope and have faith.

While I feel that I've mostly healed (physically and emotionally) from this experience, there are still days when it all catches up to me. Some days I wonder what it would be like, days where I still get a flash of confusion, anger, or sorrow. Days like today, when I think that I could be holding that child that's so patiently waiting to come to us or when I think what greater Christmas gift there could be than to know for a surety that in 9 months or less I can hold that child and start my calling as a mother. Days where I want people to know the pain I'm in and what I've gone through. Days of jealously as I see others achieve what I've been trying to do for so long. Days where I want those, who have those blessings I've been trying so hard to obtain, to know what they have and how lucky they are.

But I know that it's not just about my or Braedon's timeline; it's not even just about my babies timeline - it's about God's. I choose to continue to trust and follow that prompting we felt over a year and a half ago.

In the mean time, I continue to focus on the blessings of what I have now, blessings I might not have had if we had been on the expected timeline. I am grateful for the relationship I've been able to build and keep building with my wonderful family, especially with my new nieces and nephew. I feel that I’ve come even closer to them over the past year. I'm grateful for others’ experiences that I've heard and learned from. I'm grateful for my physical strength, that I was able to help Braedon renovate our new home. I'm grateful for the perspective this trial has given me and  hope that I will always remember so that when I do have kids, I will never for a second doubt what a blessing they are. I'm grateful for how close Braedon and I have become as we struggled through this together. My love grows for him more and more each day.

I'm also grateful for the relationship I’ve built up with my Heavenly Father as a result, as I've cried and prayed to Him. I know He knows me. I know He knows my struggles and I know there is a reason we are going through this. I know He knows what’s best for me and my family. 

And I know that I will be a mother one day.

Until that day, I am enjoying what I have now - which includes a wonderful Christmas full of loving family and friends, I can't wait. :)